| To have a baby is often a celebratory experience for couples, but it can also be a
strenuous time. A new child-be it the first, second, or third-alters the dynamics of a
couple's relationship, which can lead to stress, pressure, and negative patterns if not
handled properly.
"It's a tremendous change," says Gayle Peterson, family therapist, online family
columnist and author of Making Healthy Families . Many couples, especially those
expecting their first child, are nervous about a baby's impact on their marriage.
Surprisingly, though, few partners discuss their feelings or new responsibilities before
the child is born.
"The first thing to do is to discuss caretaking, which should be shared,"
advises Peterson. Even if one spouse stays home, he or she should not assume all
baby-related responsibilities. "If he's not there to change seven diapers during the
day, he should change one a night," Peterson recommends. Both partners should share
in the pleasant and not-so-pleasant child-rearing tasks to adequately bond with the baby.
If one partner changes the diaper better or quicker or feeds the baby more carefully, he
or she must let the other develop similar skills.
In addition to discussing and implementing shared caretaking, couples must master shared
decision-making. For example, both parties should mutually decide on a pediatrician.
Likewise, business trips and major professional decisions should be discussed. "To
come home and say you're taking another job or a two-week business trip doesn't
work," warns Peterson. Your partner should be consulted, not informed. To initiate a
discussion, Peterson recommends to ask simple questions like, "What do you
think?" and "What questions do you have?"
Lastly, couples must allot time to nurture their relationship. "It doesn't have to be
a vacation," says Peterson, "but something you can count on-an evening walk with
the baby, a regular date night. Peterson also recommends that some couples consider a
family development loan to allow one partner to reduce or eliminate hours at work.
"It's just so important to build a foundation for the family."
For more information or to ask Peterson questions go to www.ParentsPlace.com. She counsels
families and couples in Berkeley, California and also hosts a live radio show, "Ask
Dr. Gayle," on http://www.ivillage.com/music/
every Friday at 1:20 p.m. EST.
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*Work-at-home ideas