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APPROPRIATE LIMITS FOR YOUNG CHILDREN: A GUIDE FOR DISCIPLINE, PART 2

Karen DeBord, Ph.D.
Child Development Specialist
North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service


Although researchers have characterized the three basic parenting styles as: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative, many parents do not fit neatly into any of these categories. Parenting knowledge comes from a variety of sources and parents combine many styles depending on any given situation. With this in mind, this publication will examine these three parenting styles, referred to The Enforcer (authoritarian), The Negotiator (authoritative), and The Yielder (permissive). By examining the statements given for each parenting style, parents and caregivers can think about their basic style. Parenting styles influence the way in which children develop.

PARENTING STYLES

Group leaders may turn this section into a questionnaire as an alternate activity for parents to respond to their parenting style or beliefs.

THE YIELDER

- It is better to have no rules than to worry about breaking them.

- Children can get along pretty well if you just leave them alone.

- My work and home responsibilities are too stressful; I can't worry about what the children are doing.

- The children won't listen to me, so I have quit trying.

- Children should realize that my work is stressful and I am tired at the end of the day.

These statements were written to describe the permissive parent or the yielder. This parent makes few demands, administers little punishment, sets no guidelines, has little structure, and avoids asserting authority. He or she is often referred to as uninvolved and spends minimal time and effort with the child. The parent sometimes uses stress and work to excuse himself or herself from spending time with the children; drugs and immaturity can also be reasons for their lack of involvement.

The child of this parent lacks self-control, is immature, may be aggressive at home, and may behave irresponsibly. These children tend to have poor self-esteem, low emotional development, and a low threshold for frustration. They may be school-skippers and resort to drugs or become involved in legal problems in their search for attention.

THE ENFORCER

- Children should obey their parents and not talk back.

- Children should do as I say until they are old enough to make their own decisions.

- I was spanked when I was a child and I turned out okay.

- When children don't mind, I yell at them and threaten them with a variety of punishments.

- I expect my children to conform to my decisions without discussion.

These statements reflect the general nature of the enforcer or authoritarian style. This parent is demanding and strict, uses punishment, and generally doesn't allow choice or freedom of expression. They value obedience, tradition, and order, and discourage independence and individuality. These parents dislike having their authority questioned. They may use physical punishment, yelling, or threatening for disciplinary measures.

What kind of child comes from this discipline pattern? Research indicates an enforcer parent may produce a child who lacks spontaneity, curiosity, and creativity, and often has limited independence and assertiveness. These children don't learn how to decide for themselves, depending instead on others for their sense of control. They may have low self-esteem and be aggressive and defiant.

THE NEGOTIATOR

- Children should be given choices.

- Sometimes children have a point. I try to listen to them.

- Although it takes hard work, parents and children should try to talk about family decisions and let each person share his or her feelings.

- Children should be allowed to be individuals.

- I take care not to criticize my children or call names even when I cannot understand why they act as they do.

The negotiator (authoritative) parent, although not the perfect parent, has a better balance in discipline style, setting high standards and expectations for mature behavior, firmly enforcing rules, and encouraging independence and individuality. Children's individual rights are recognized and choices are given. There is better communication and listening and a more democratic give-and-take arrangement.

Children of these parents generally are competent, responsible, independent, have higher self-esteem and confidence, and are better able to control their aggression.

HOW TO REDUCE DISCIPLINE PROBLEMS

It is important for parents to realize that in order for children to grow-up, they must pass through the experiences of childhood. There is no way around it. The experience of growing up causes distress and frustration. Reducing behavior problems can be best practiced through prevention. If parents can understand what to expect from children as they develop, this knowledge can be used to build a healthy environment and a clear set of expectations that can reduce some of the tensions.

Major concepts to remember are consistency, forethought, respect, recognition of a child's limits, cooperative relationships, common sense, and sense of humor. Discipline is guiding children toward learning behaviors and self-control for later life.

The following list may help parents and teachers to evaluate their environment as well as their interactions with children.

PREPARE THE ENVIRONMENT

· Are there enough supplies and materials so that children will not have to share too many items and wait too long for others?

· Is the environment well organized? Are some areas cluttered?

· Are there areas where the child can feel in control (one-person corner, own room)?

· Are there a variety of play materials to allow choices?

· Do offered activities suit the child's ability?

· Can barriers to success be removed to avoid frustration (turn over the puzzle pieces)?

· Is waiting kept to a realistic level (for turns, meals, listening)?

· Is the area childproofed?

SET LIMITS

· Are older (school-age) children involved in designing limits or rules?

· Are limits reasonable?

· Are limits based on the child's ability to meet and understand limit?

· Are explanations and reasons for the limits appropriate to children's language skills?

· Is positive language used (do and should)?

· Is the child given time to comply with the limit?

· Are comparisons avoided to prevent resentment and damaging self-esteem?

· Are adults acting as positive role models?

· Is moderation used in reactions? For example: "I like the way you are playing!" or "I see you are ready to begin. Here is the glue."

· Are desirable behaviors reinforced, remembering that the child is not a "good" or "bad" child?

USE EMPATHY

· Is support and kindness used in all communication?

· Are the child's words reflected to clarify understanding ("you mean ")?

· Does the tone of voice and a smile convey empathy?

· Is a relationship being developed with the child?

· Is the child aware of the adult's "hot" button?

SHARE THE CONTROL

· Are children allowed some of the control, or is it important for the adult to call every shot?

· Are children listened to for their newly developing ideas?

· Is there an atmosphere of give-and-take?

· Is a menu of choices presented?

· Can incomplete sentences and open-ended questions be posed to compel the child to think and formulate decisions? ("What do you think will happen if ?")

· Are questions sincere? (How are you going to solve that? What should we do about that?)

SHARE THE REASONING

· Are children encouraged to figure out solutions?

· Are nods and positive responses given as children begin to make choices and decisions?

· Are options presented when guidance is required?

USE CHOICE

· Is choice allowed at an early age no matter how small the decision (such as sock color)?

· Is the child given two choices that the adult is willing to live with and experience?

· Are the choices given all safe ones?

MAINTAIN SELF-CONTROL AND UNDERSTAND THE DEVELOPMENT OF SELF-CONTROL

· Are discussions held following tantrums or angry out-bursts?

· Are outlets for anger provided?

· Is time-out used appropriately?

· Are alternatives and redirection used instead of threats and bribes?

BE CONSISTENT

· Are personal consequences considered before making suggestions?

· Is there a plan for following through to check on these suggested activities?

· Is there trust between the child and adult?

SOME WAYS TO DEAL WITH ENDLESS UNDESIRABLE BEHAVIORS

Besides learning about child developmental stages and planning ways to prevent situations that can lead to undesirable behavior, parents and teachers may need to decide how to manage some behaviors.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

Many times, children learn as a result of natural consequences. For example, a child who will not eat supper during mealtime may feel hungry when he or she is not allowed to eat again until breakfast. Or a child who forgets to put skates away each night may one day find that they have been stolen.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

When natural consequences are not safe or appropriate, logical consequences may be used. Children often can help set these (and are often stricter on themselves than a parent would have been). The consequences of behavior should relate somehow to the behavior. Referred to as logical consequences, the child can directly see how the behavior and the consequence relate. For example, if the child oversteps his or her boundaries when riding a bike, taking away the bike for a reasonable amount of time may be the consequences. Or if toys are not put away, a reasonable consequence may be to collect the toys for charity or at least put them in temporary storage.

TIME-OUT

In early childhood, children are very self-centered. It is normal. Children believe the world revolves around them! Children become confused and frustrated when they must face the fact that they are not the center of the universe. They need adult guidance as they begin to find appropriate ways to vent their feelings and develop a sense of self-control.

Time-out is often used with children who have briefly lost self-control. Self-control is a developmental process. Until the young child has learned to see beyond themselves and has the ability to see things through someone else's eyes, it is difficult to change self-centered behaviors.

Most children will be 7 and older before they can begin to talk about the consequences of and plan for their own behavior. A big part of self-evaluation is social comparison. Social comparison is the act of learning from role models, imitating them, and using appropriate behaviors in a variety of settings.

Time-out can be very effective when used sparingly and appropriately. Time alone gives the child a chance to calm down. Then the child may rejoin the activity. Children who view time out as a punishment may not use the time out situation as the caregiver intends. Rather than calming down or reflecting on how he or she should behave, the child may spend time figuring out how to get even!

These questions may help you decide when to use time-out:

- Is time-out being used as a time for the child to regroup?

- Is time-out used as a retreat for the child; not the adult?

- Is time-out used as one answer among other alternatives?

- Are children given the chance to have some control by making choices about their daily activities?

Use time-outs sparingly. When a time-out is used, do so because the child needs it and not because you are angry. Also, be sure the length of time is appropriate and is made clear to the child.

Instead of yelling "Go to the time-out area and sit there until I say to get up," try saying "I see you are having trouble keeping your feet to yourself. It hurts other children when they are kicked. You need to sit alone for 5 minutes. Then you will be able to come back to the group." Or you might say, "If you continue to play rough with the ball, you will have to sit out the rest of the game."

Think carefully about time-out as an aid in handling inappropriate or unsafe behaviors while preserving self-esteem and control for children and adults.

- Are assurances used to support the child who has lost self-control?

- Are assurances made by the adult to maintain self-control (mental counting, leaving the room)?

REDIRECTION

Another way to help children gain control is to redirect them to another activity. This allows the child to get away from the problem situation and yet still have something constructive to do. Redirecting children may be preferable to time-out.

Suggest an alternative activity or setting when a situation is about to get out of hand. Pose timely questions to avoid heated confrontation and conflict.

SETTING APPROPRIATE LIMITS FOR YOUNG CHILDREN: A GROUP TEACHING GUIDE

The group leader sets the tone for the group to allow informal sharing, a sense of understanding, and confidentiality without ridicule. Parenting is a very personal topic. Often to set the participants at ease and to smooth transitions, activities are needed. Some suggested activities are presented here as a stimulus for group leaders.

ACTIVITY:

Ask the group participants to imagine a child with whom they have come in contact, one who they see daily or quite often. Ask them to think of ways to characterize this child. List these terms on easel paper, or on a writing board before the group.

ACTIVITY:

In small groups, ask parents to work together to think of all the methods they use to discipline children. Have them bring the list before the total group before beginning to outline those in the guidesheet.

ACTIVITY:

On index cards, ask parents to list things about their child that they do not like; one characteristic per card. Take the cards and mix them up, then have each participant draw a card and read that characteristic aloud. Use this activity to turn that characteristic around into a positive aspect; such as talking back could mean that the child will learn to question things, which may come in handy during adolescence when tempted with illegal or immoral practices; or that asking for everything in sight in a store may mean that the child has not gained a sense of self-control yet.

ACTIVITY:

Ask participants to describe their definition of discipline. After this has been discussed, ask for their definition of punishment. See Part 1 of this guidesheet series for further definitions.

ACTIVITY:

Ask participants to brainstorm in small groups or as a large group about the types of parents with whom they have come in contact. Summarize characteristics. Define a "perfect" parent.

ACTIVITY:

Discuss what you consider to be ongoing undesirable behavior. When do children's behaviors seem to be in need of "professional" counsel or parents in need of outside assistance?

REFERENCES

Baumrind, P. (1971). Developmental Psychology Monograph, 4 (1, pt.2).

Maccoby, E.E. & Martin, J.A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction. In P.H. Mussen Handbook of Child Psychology.

Hamner, T.J. (1990). Parenting in a Contemporary Society. Second edition. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

DOCUMENT USE/COPYRIGHT
National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the National Extension Service
Children Youth and Family Educational Research Network. Permission is granted to reproduce
these materials in whole or in part for educational purposes only (not for profit beyond the cost of
reproduction) provided that the author and Network receive acknowledgment and this notice is
included:

Reprinted with permission from the National Network for Child Care - NNCC. DeBord, K. (1996). *Appropriate limits for young children: a guide for discipline, Part 2*. Raleigh, NC: North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service.

Any additions or changes to these materials must be preapproved by the author.

AVAILABLE FROM::
Karen DeBord
North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service
F-2 Ricks Annex Box 7605
North Carolina State University
Raleigh, NC 27695-7605
Phone::919-515-2770
FAX::919-515-3483
INTERNET::kdebord@amaroq.ces.ncsu.edu

COPYRIGHT PERMISSION ACCESS::
Karen DeBord
North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service
F-2 Ricks Annex Box 7605
North Carolina State University
Raleigh, NC 27695-7605
Phone::919-515-2770
FAX::919-515-3483
INTERNET::kdebord@amaroq.ces.ncsu.edu

Advice for Discipling a young child