Home

Tips for Talking to Your Children

It is safe to say that parenting is the toughest, but most rewarding job. You have the task of molding a young life so that a child may grow and become a parent one day as well. However, in the process of nurturing there will be obstacles. Your child may ask you something you do not want to answer or do not know how to answer. Children have inquisitive minds and the question may be on any topic imaginable from sex to terrorism to how to pick a prom dress. Then you, the parent, now ponder - How do I answer my child's difficult questions?

While there is no correct answer, here are a few tips that should lead you in the right direction.

1. Always be honest with your child. We often want to "protect" our children by making up stories of why something occurs, especially for issues we, ourselves, do not feel comfortable discussing. Sex is one such topic. When a child asks "Where do babies come from?" many are tempted to say The Stork. The problem is that it is not true and they will hear other conflicting stories. If you are dishonest with your child on such issues, keep in mind that they will ask their friends and might be put in the position to defend your response. Just imagine your child defending your stork response to a friend who has been told the truth (or even a different story). If he comes back to you and says "Johnny said that you were wrong! The stork does not deliver babies. I told him my mother is always right!" How would you respond? Being honest with your child helps establish the trust you will want as your child grows into adolescence and beyond.

2. If you do not know the answer, then tell your child you do not know. It sounds very common sense, but we know our children look up to us. We want them to see us as their most useful resource. But sometimes we just do not know! That does not mean we should make up answers. A simple way to handle this situation is to tell your child that you do not know, but you will find out for him. Better yet, tell your child that you will take time to find out together. Working together with your child to figure out answers to his questions helps to build your child's confidence in you and your ability to help him.

3. Always make time. Your child comes to you right before you go to bed with a serious question or having a need for a serious discussion. Do not put her off until tomorrow. What may not seem serious to you might be very serious or be perceived as very serious to your child. Not making time gives the impression that what matters to her is just not important enough. Your response (verbal and non-verbal) could have an effect on what happens at school the next day or within her peer group on the weekend. The problem that arises in this situation is in how your child will interpret what is important enough to warrant her parent's attention. The next serious discussion could have something to do with cigarette smoking or drug use. The benefit you receive as a parent from making time for your child is encouraging the behavior to come to you for any reason, day or night, and talk out any issues that might have come up during the day.

4. Be proactive. Ask questions yourself. Ask your child what is on their mind, what did he do in school today, what are his plans for the rest of the week. Ask your child if there is anything she needs help with. Do not sit back and wait. Being a proactive parent can get you an edge before a major problem comes along. Your child might begin to perceive you as "nosey", but if you ask the right questions without seeming intrusive, you could be heading off larger future problems.

5. Seek advice from your child. Yes, your child is a wealth of information as well. Even if you do not need advice, consider getting your daughter's opinion of what dress or tie you should wear. Try something more complex and get your child's advice on purchasing new exercise equipment or a new television for your home. Even ask your child advice about your own personal problems like "What should mommy do about this problem she is having at work?" It is true they might not have an answer or an opinion, but they will see that their opinion counts to you. If they know you value their advice you have opened up a freedom of exchange between you and your child.

The main goal of learning to communicate better as a parent is to build confidence and trust and remove any barriers to communication. In this day and age, children of all ages are faced with serious issues. As a parent you want to know and understand these issues to help prevent any future problems that can become serious (e.g. drug abuse, teen pregnancy, runaway teen, domestic abuse). The only way you can foresee these types of issues is to pay attention, make time and if necessary start the conversations yourself.
.

How to Talk to your Child